state of the blog

No comment from this peanut gallery, but it'll be interesting to see how things pan out this school year with the ACSA. I know that I've become pretty disillusioned with education in general in New Orleans and my trust in my school has been shaken severely.

But my boss says I still have a job. So I go on.

I believe the nature of some of the fucked-up at my job has become too much for me to safely blog as in the past. Which isn't to say that this blog will shut down, just that I will have to make some changes. I'll be sticking to math nerd-ness and general ed. Time to lock things up and hide them away. As a teacher, I no longer feel comfortable commenting on the state of my school or New Orleans education. It's been a long time considering whether to even continue. I got a hint of what type of crap I'm really facing out there in recent months and as much as I wanted to blog about it, I realize that the internet is a small place and I'm going to get myself in trouble eventually.

Can't afford that. Got a job to do and I can't do it out here.

trust no one

This should be about wrapping up the year. But it's not. It's about getting screwed. It's about trusting those in decision-making positions to make reasonable decisions and trusting that things would work out for the best. It's about being fooled by and disregarded by the very person you trusted to take you seriously and hear you out.

And it's about getting royally screwed and written off. Despite what they say, it's not really about children. It's not really about working hard, getting results, and using data to make informed decisions. It's about politics, about using people, about jerking around good teachers to make up for the faults of others.

It's about being backed into a corner. You can either stay and take it in silence or be forced out only to find out that you've been sabotaged in your escape.

So, when it comes to education in New Orleans, take some advice from Mulder and company: trust no one.

goin' to the conference and we're gonna get nerdy

So I'm on layover in Tampa for another 2 hours, poking around the NCTM website to see what looks good and maybe plan out the next couple of days in DC. There is so much juicy mathematical, differentiated instruction, technological, new teacher-oriented goodness on the conference schedule that I wish it were longer. I've already got some much overlap that I'll be holed up in a conference room all day for the next two days and part of Saturday. It's looking way damn cool and nerdtastic.

All that said, I definitely need these few days to get my head straight. I'm in give-up mode again. Monday and Tuesday were soul-sucking days. Again, is it worth it? It's awfully painful to teach and coach and mother and model and lather-rinse-repeat only to realize that after months and months their behavior is still horrific and they still don't understand how fractions or decimals work. When word problems at a 5th grade level are still viewed as insurmountable obstacles even though they have the skills they just refuse to use them. And they talk. They just never shut up. Which would be fine if they would stop and listen every once in a while.

Even so, I think the disconnect is somewhere higher up. If the kids are totally fucking bonkers then it is probably on account of some adult somewhere either doing something wrong or not doing anything at all. I count myself among such adults and therefore, while I am away on this conference, am also working on my resume and considering my options.

I want to keep teaching, but I very well may stop.

Until that's figured out, however, there are 4 weeks left in the school year and I have to survive them. Hopefully a little better than that.

spring time equals conference time!

I need this shirt to wear to my post-spring break conference in a couple of weeks. I was unable to go to Salt Lake City last year but this year I'm headed to the NCTM Annual Meeting & Expo in Washington, DC. For this, I am super excited not only because I will get an extra few days break from my kids during the crazy spring season but also because I get to go be a math nerd all by my lonesome. I also get to go visit friends in DC again (for someone who'd never been to DC until this year, it's a popular destination lately).

Until then, I'm enjoying Day 2 of teenager-free existence.

an now for something completely different...

Been talking Unapologetic's ear off about my kids lately because it was a tough week of test prep gone bad at school and I'm just frustrated with my students' complete lack of will to succeed lately.

So I would like to introduce you all, dear interwebs, to some of the things that I've been using for mental distraction. Dorophoria, after all, began not as my teaching blog but as the moniker of a crafting enterprise that never formulated. I've been fantasizing about using my summer's to get back into the yarn and paper and glue and needles and fabrics. Until then, I just drool over other people's stuff:

New favorite craft blog: the purl bee
Also enjoying: CraftyCrafty

Otherwise, I've been a total comics nerd and my recent purchases and reading is listed as follows:

- Dr. Who: The Forgotten (all 6 issues)
- Dr. Who: The Whispering Gallery (single issue, short and sweet read)
- Courtney Crumrin and the Tale of the Fire Thief (3rd in series)
- Courtney Crumrin and the Prince of Nowhere (4th in series and if you haven't picked up Ted Naifeh then you're missing out on some goodness from the Youth category)
- SwampThing - Alan Moore (first trade and so far so good)
- The Umbrella Academy (Issues 1-5 still unread by that's up next)
- Fables (up to issue 81 or 82 now I believe)
- FreakAngels (Warren Ellis, bitches!)
- Aetheric Mechanics (more Warren Ellis, bitches! and it's teh awesome)
- Star Trek (in comic form, which I haven't read yet but apparently it's good stuff so we'll see)

Now I'm just getting Unapologetic into 100 Bullets and I've got to get him into the Transmetropolitan before it's too late.

all the crazy for one day

I have not been a good blogger lately. Mostly because I was blogging myself (and teaching myself) into a serious crisis and it was time to take a few steps back and think (or sometimes just fucking stop thinking).

First: to quit or not to quit?

Well, circumstances what they are not quitting is looking like the most definite answer. In an ideal world I could take a year off, get my bearings, make daisy chains and skip dreamily around New Orleans considering all the pros and cons and options. But this is our crap, fucked-up, rush-around world and I've got a house to deal with and bills to pay and debts to suck up and in the end, I rather like the idea of teaching and hope that if I can just survive the certification process that one day down the road I will actually spend most of my time teaching and less of my time putting out fires and filling out paperwork.

I am coming to terms with the fact that my current situation is seriously craptastically disfunctional. I'm getting better at my job even as I stop sweating stuff so much. Just because, well, there isn't a sane human-being alive who could do everything that a New Orleans public school teacher is expected to do on a daily basis. This person, whoever they may be, is probably a sleeper agent android from Omicron Theta. I, however, am capable of multi-tasking and coping with so much so I'll stick with the shit I know I can handle and the rest of it will just have to fucking wait, thanks. I have to sleep sometime.

All that said, sometimes my kids are just too weird. I know I shouldn't be so horribly shocked that on the very last day of the 3rd quarter eight, count 'em EIGHT, of my students show up for "tutoring" as if that will magically fix their grade. Two of them are my regulars - they will stick around just to clean the classroom if there's nothing else to do and even when that's done I have to push them out the door to be out by 5:30 or 6. One started coming in a few days ago due to a failed test and has been working diligently to correct her errors. One boy is supposed to come in daily due to shitty grades and behavior contracts but only shows up when he feels like cramming for a test he ends up failing anyway because he's a punkass who can't get his act together. Another started showing up yesterday with the aforementioned boy just to be a tag-a-long. Yet a third boy is a good student but a procrastinator lately. Three other girls from my homeroom show up with no damn notice. One I have been begging to come to tutoring since the first quarter and just now starts showing now that is way too fucking late to save her grade (and she brought her little brother too, which was extra annoying). The last two girls just came in to fuck around because one is punished from speaking to the other so they hang out in my room after school to get away with it. What she doesn't know is that I'm going to call her mamma and let her know what a sneaky little monster she's being wrecking up my tutoring afternoon with her bully of a loser friend. Joke's on you, biz-nitches!

All this on the day that I am supposed to be number crunching their damn grades and putting everything in final and turning it in to my boss. I want to kick them all right now. My kids, my boss, everyone. Because there's just no way that I'm going to have all this straight and know that it's right and sign off on it being right and have it all ready today or even tomorrow. Talk to me Monday, stoopids, 'cause I know for a fact that you're not even going to print the damn grades for nearly two weeks so what's your fucking hurry?

Grr. Argh.

Again, all of THAT said, I'm in something of a groove even if that groove is a little precarious and uneven and windy. I'm coping better lately. I do enjoy the teaching part of the job when I have students who are into the learning part of their job. Oh, and I am totally the favorite teacher. It doesn't always make them behave any better but between the kids and the parents I am the fucking golden child and that's something at least. For example, the absolute nightmare of a behavior problem girl in my homeroom class apparently LOVES MY CLASS. She rolls her eyes, refuses to follow directions, never finishes her assignments, talks through lessons, tells me to get out of her face all the time, and is generally nothing but a bad attitude out to distract everybody in the room. But according to her mother, I can do no wrong and I am her favorite and she loves me. According to a lot of mothers this is the case. And I don't get it, but I'll take it.

Oh! And the best thing I've heard in forever: one of my kids wrote a poem about me! This is the same student who wrote me the sobber of a Christmas card. He's a major pain in my ass, but he is at heart a good kid and damn smart too. He told me this while I was waiting with him on bus duty this afternoon, that he'd written his english homework assignment about me. Fucking cool. I'm getting a copy for my wall and I hope it's really rhymy and ridiculously bad poetry too. That'll make my damn day.

condoning the violence

Even if a kid is an asshole, it doesn't make witnessing his mamma knock him upside the head any less shitty.

But hey, the other kid whose mamma beats him? Well, we don't want to refer him to child services because "there's a backlog" and it won't do any good. So if we won't do anything but watch it happen and keep punishing the kid...well, I'm noticing that many of the people I work with have no problem with kids getting the crap kicked out of them by their parents. That's good for 'em, right? There's no such thing as a cycle of violence, right?

Great. Just fucking great.

being adult is the suckiest job EVAR!

I will put this out there early: I'm totally masochistic. I must be. Because I don't want to quit my job. While I have this fantasy idea that it would be great and stress-free and life will be better somewhere else - that is bogus. Okay, it may not be bogus, but I would be copping out on something that I want really badly. Giving up. And despite all the crazy at my school and all the stupid shit my kids do, I want to see them through. I want to be there next year when my kids from last year are in 8th grade and I find out whether I set them out right. I love it when my students, past and present, drop in at my room after school to say hello or complain about their current math teacher or ask to help me staple things to the walls or when they crowd around me on the school yard and tell me more about their day and who's picking on who and what they ate for dinner last night and can we have a class pet, Ms. Em, can we pleeezzee?

I want to start over again.

All of this is to say that I finally got my boss in his office uninterrupted for a few minutes this evening. And it was rough and I always cry like a big girl who is way too damn attached to her babies. But I brought up the issues with the other teacher and have been sufficiently assured that there is stuff going on above my head to be done about that. The kids need a serious pep-talk and the principal has agreed to pull them out tomorrow and hopefully that will help put the kids at ease and reset their brains a little and calm them down. It's been an angry week with the kids. Everybody is in a foul mood. I also brought up the certification issues and hopefully will have some extra help with that as well.

Now I just have to have "a talk" with my other teacher. I've agreed to do that, though I don't even know where to begin. I guess that's something else that I have to figure out - the professional shit. I thought it would be enough to do my job and fulfill my responsibilities and generally be a good person and respect folks. But there's also the part where you have to muster up the civility to have a conversation with someone whom you don't respect and who puts you somewhat on edge. That part of being adult fucking blows.

Mostly because I have a bad habit of crying a lot.

critical mass

Yesterday was low. The past week or so at school was the lowest of the low. Even if it was only low for me. I went in to work with quitting on my mind but no way out and I left feeling like even more dirt because I'd let everybody down, mostly my kids.

So what does critical mass mean? What happens now that everything's finally gone boom? Do I still want to quit? Do I give up teaching? Do I reevaluate everything that I spent the last two years working for and throw it all out?

Um. I don't know.

But I do know that I'm not continuing on at this school under the current circumstances next year. Tried to catch the principal today and lay it all out but no dice. Up early in the AM tomorrow to have the talk. I love what I do, though it can be stressful. Occasionally, I'm even good at it though I spend most of the time screwing up. The very thought of letting down my kids breaks my heart above anything else, even though they wear me down. But I can't keep up this roll as things are. I won't stay if I continue to be partnered with another teacher who doesn't give a rat's ass about kids or teaching and has been putting up a fucking good face at everyone else's expense. I also won't stay if I have to continue to teach science - I am not qualified to teach it and the kids can see right through me so there's no point in pretending. If I am going to put in the time, energy, and money to go back to school AGAIN and try this certification thing all over then I'm gonna need some support financially and otherwise. The way the middle school is structured right now completely marginalizes the 6th grade and it's not doing the students any favors. The way the special education situation is working is marginalizing our kids with special needs and that's not doing ANYONE any favors.

Maybe I'm not in any position to make demands or lay out ultimatums. But if what my boss tells me about my teaching is more than just pandering blahblahblah, then he'll at least think twice before he sets me loose.

And if I go to another school/certification/career...? Well, that's life - right?

if you're looking to take up my job

It is occurring to me more and more that it isn't about what needs to change in the school, in the kids, in the parents, in the teachers. It's about me not being cut out for this - at least, not being even close to ready or prepared.

And I keep going over and over and over and nothing changes. Because my way doesn't work either. And I wasn't particularly great at this to begin with and I've only improved marginally. So please keep the following things in mind, future wanna-be teachers of the universe (and especially New Orleans):

• you are not their teacher, you are their mother/father/best friend/worst enemy
• take nothing for granted
• you can't assume they know anything
• you can't take anything personally
• as soon as you find yourself thinking adults vs. kids...you've failed
• you have to be good at manipulation - they'll never give you control
• if you've got control over them then there are only a few possibilities (choose one): they have been fooled into thinking that they are in control and you are a superhero teacher, they are not learning shit but just sitting through your class and hoping it ends soon and that being quiet will get them a good grade, OR your students have been brainwashed by aliens
• one word: management.
• and finally, your students don't have to get you but you have to get your kids - if you don't, you might as well write FAIL on everyone's forehead

And me, I don't get it. I don't get it so hard that I've been banging my head against the same fucking wall for going on two years. So what really needs to happen is that the person cut out to teach these kids needs to make twice as much money as I do and I will blog about them. Because I've wasted everyone's time here pretending that I had the chops for this and, just like every other bright-eyed young twit wooed into teaching by "alternative certification programs," I thought I could change the fucking world and save everyone.

And I can't. I just can't.

do not admit

Most days, I receive an email with an attached document: Do Not Admit List. It gives the names of students who are suspended, what grade they are in, what they have been suspended for, and when they should be returning to school.

On the one hand, it is a relief to see some students will be gone and will not be disrupting my class or talking back to me or bullying or picking a fight. On the other hand, that is another opportunity for those students to fall behind and fail and another opportunity lost to maybe actually teach them something. And sometimes I get that list and it has a student on it with whom I rarely have a problem, offense listed as "disrespect," and I know that once again one of my students is getting punished for standing up to an adult who couldn't keep their cool. And everyday I have to deal with that fallout.

The biggest relief sometimes, is not when a student is absent, but when a teacher is absent.

this post is way more civil than i feel

Tough working environment today. I've actually been feeling good about the overall improvement in class behavior since the return from break, but feel like I'm being sabotaged by peers. My students were pretty cooperative today, focused on taking their iLEAP pre-test in preparation for the LEAP blitz and review. A fellow teacher, however, has walked all over my kids and myself quite enough, thanks.

It's little things and it's big things. And I wish I could say that this was a recent development but I have to admit that I was shocked when this person was asked back to teach this year. This is a teacher who stole my classroom rules and consequences (when I was a first year teacher and knew shit about class management!) and still has that plagerized material hanging ineffectually in her classroom. A teacher who openly admits to never taking work home, leaves during her planning period, comes to school late, and does not do paperwork for their students unless it is a referral for a parent conference or suspension.

All week, I've been taking my students to the computer lab during science to do research for a project and cleared the class time with the technology director in advance. Yesterday, I made the mistake of mentioning this to my coworker who conveniently beat me to the lab this morning (so that my students could not work on their project today). I was pissed that they did not collaborate with me or double check with me or technology about the lab use - especially considering that I'd taken the time to clear everything officially. Now my planned lesson got fucked because another teacher hadn't planned at all.

And I might have been able to smooth this over with the kids and play it off, if it weren't for the fact that the other teacher's yelling and abusive language could be heard next door all through class. Calling kids stupid (and when I say "stupid" that is without the extra adjectives), screaming at them for no reason at all, and then not sticking to the rules that actually effect the rest of us (effectively undermining all my behavioral crafting and progress just by walking into a room).

On top of this, I'm getting an administrative conference next week over paperwork that is not finished because we were supposed to split it. But now it's not done because I have to do this teacher's half, too!! I wish it were a one time thing, but I've been picking up the slack for going on two damn years now and I'm sick of this bull.

When students got put out of the other class today, I could not in good conscience do anything but tell the disciplinarian that it's no damn wonder the kids curse and mock this teacher. If someone spoke to me the way this teacher speaks to my students, I'd be kicking chairs and cursing and talking back too! The disciplinarian was getting on one student's case in the lunch line about her behavior and I had to step in. It's not the student out of line here, it's the teacher. I know these aren't things you are supposed to discuss in front of students, it's not professional. But this situation is so far from professional it is disgusting.

And finally people are taking notice and hearing these complaints and I just hope that finally something can be done to get this toxic sorry-excuse for an "educator" the hell out of my kids' lives. This person is a two-faced, lazy, lying, irresponsible, bully of a teacher. I could hardly bring myself to speak to them, let alone look them in the eye today without the urge to scream.

I lost my cool with the assistant principal after school today (not at him) because it's too much to expect me to deal with in addition to the other crap I deal with from the kids on a daily basis. I expect that my teenagers will act like brats and bullies from time to time but a TEACHER? And don't even get me started on GRADES.

I have to paraphrase something that got one of my students suspended last year (because his sentiment fits perfectly right now): this teacher is a bad person and they are going to hell. I'd never been so proud of a kid for being disrespectful to authority.

insomnia purge

I feel almost sick at the prospect of going back to work on Monday. Can't sleep due to anxious mental back-and-forth over what to do, how to cope, finding the time, the energy. Forget sick, just frustrated to tears at not being able to just sleep and stop thinking negatively.

I thought that this break would clear my head out. Make things calmer. But the anxiety is coming back.

I don't think that I can do this for another year. It's becoming a soul-eater. The joy's gone out of it and there was so little of that to hold on to in the first place. It was supposed to get better. And for a little while I thought it might be, but now I'm really doubting it. I don't like this much stress in my life. I don't care how good the vacation package is - I don't feel like I own my own life. I don't have time to enjoy anything with school looming in the backwoods of my brain at all times. The pressure is stupid.

I'm tired of fighting every day. When did education become a fucking fight, a war?

Two weeks off work and I'm exhausted just thinking of going back.

I think I have to quit in the spring. For my fucking sanity.

not thinking about school

This is what I've been doing over break. Second bag is in the works in gold yarn. My hands actually are starting to hurt from all the crochet madness but it's keeping my brain clear and I get pretties at the end of it. Made a hat for my aunt for X-mas and have been making pot holders with skulls on them. But the bag is my new favorite thing.

Thinking that I will make a line of potholders with mathematical formulas on them and sell them on Etsy for extra cash. And an extra excuse to keep crocheting.

For now, my two weeks are going at a leisurely pace. Trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

why i don't know if i could ever work at a cushy school

I received one card today. It reads as follows:


"The first day of
school I looked
at you and knew
you were nice
and would
fight for your
students."


It's always the ones who try your nerves who say something to remind you why you'd be an asshole to quit on them.

nice work if you can get it

Maybe I should just go back to school for a while and live on loans and part-time work.

I dunno. I'm burned out on this shit. I don't know whether it's me and my own disorganizedness or whether it's because it sucks. It just fucking sucks.

Forget it. Mantra: "Two Weeks Vacation."

Maybe I'll feel better in January.

a (temporarily) white winter

Today I took my kids out for the last 10 minutes of math class and watched them have a snowball fight on the playground. Not something that happens in NOLA very often. The last time it snowed was Christmas four years ago. The time before that was before my time here by more than a decade.

No, it's not the kids who are the problem here. It's the adults.

Still looking for a good reason to stick around. And it can't be out of guilt. It can't be for the just the kids. It has to be for me, too. That part gets harder.

it's not the kids

Today, one bully of a girl started a fight with one of my new students.

I left the room, restraining one, and totally lost my cool. I took a walk. I sat in the bed of my truck. I cried out of complete frustration. I tried to go back inside. I left before I could cry again. I hung out on the corner with Mr. D. We went inside. I couldn't bring myself to go to my classroom. I lost it in the principal's office. Talking to him didn't make anything better.

But he did let me leave at 2:00.

It's 5:00 now.

I'm still a fucking mess. With every thought of going back tomorrow, I have to fight back a repeat of the anxiety attack I had in my boss' office.

Today was the very first time that I ever really, truly dreaded returning to my job so much that I couldn't physically bring myself to go to class. Today was the very first time I seriously wondered whether I should just fucking quit.

i got tagged?

Swampwoman tagged me the other day and it occurred to me that I have no excuse for being so slow to respond. The rules as follows:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up

As for writing six random things about myself...well, here goes nothing.

• I was born in Frankfurt, Germany roughly 26 years ago.
• I was a drama nerd in high school and participated in such illustrious productions as Chamber Music (I was Gertrude Stein...at least, I thought I was...), a modern adaptation of Aristophanes' The Birds, Jesus Christ Superstar will all-female apostles (with security guards at the door due to death threats sent to the school!), all-female crazies cast of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (played bomb-building Scanlon), and my last play The Curious Savage (in which I played Mrs. Savage complete with blue hair).
• I got my first tattoo in Ybor City in Tampa, FL when I was 20 around Valentine's Day.
• I wrote my undergrad thesis on the hagiography of early Christian women saints in comparison to female ideals in Greek heroines.
• If you don't count Snaily the snail who lived on the sliding glass door by the patio, then my very first pet was a turtle named Fluffy. He ate cold hot dogs. He ran away.
  
• I took five years worth of math in high school (geometry and trigonometry simultaneously junior year) just so that I could take calculus from my favorite math teacher, Mr. Swenson. Then I really hated calculus...but we did get to watch samurai movies.

Tag, you're it!

• unapologetic
• purple tinted glasses
• Mer
• jayel
• baccarati
• will continue to seek out a 6th...wait for further update...
  

do you really know who is teaching your children? really?

I guess now is just as good a time as any to make an update. It was a calm, mostly uneventful day considering that we have the next week off so I'm in a calm and (gasp!) rested mood this evening. I gave the kids a math and a science test today that kept them busy and silent all day except for the "enrichment" period at the end of the day. Once my kids finished their tests, I pulled out the scissors and paper and had them start making snowflakes to decorate the room. It was eerily pleasant. I really have to cherish the brief periods when I can just enjoy my students.

The other 6th grade teacher has been out for three days at a conference and it's really been kind of a relief for me and the kids. My 2nd period students are calmer and less agitated when they switch class. Of course, two of my most agitating students have been suspended as well and it makes an enormous difference in the mental health of that class. I'm just relieved when these students are gone. I have done as much as was in my power to do and it didn't help the situation. I gave these two particular students as many chances as possible and tried just about everything I could to motivate them and alter their behavior. For nothing, no payout. They fail and they fuck with the other kids and they try to play me and they act like little dipshits with no respect for other people.

There really is no saving them all. Maybe someone's got the energy for these kids - I hope something changes for them. But I've got 38 other kids who are losing out because of two who threaten and bully. And I'm by no means an expert or vet at this. Maybe one day I'll be better at dealing with this crap, but until then I gotta do what I can do. And it will be without these boys.

That said, I have a couple other tough jobs as far as academics. With the struggles that my students have with our latest topic - the dreaded fraction! - I can't shake the feeling that so many students are failing for one of two reasons (perhaps two of two). First question: has anyone been holding these kids accountable for anything? Have the students been getting away with pretending to learn things with other teachers? Second concern: Or previous teachers have just not actually properly covered this material before. The ground work for fractions was supposed to have been established started a couple of grades back. But I am not confident that they ever received it.

The more I know of other teachers and education professionals in this city, the more convinced I become that these people are not fully equipped to be teaching some of the things that that they are hired to teach. We can't find paraprofessionals that can handle the 6th grade curriculum (I've had two paras tell me that they learned x, y, or z math skill during a lesson in my class - so how can I expect them to know enough to help the kids?!). And the teachers themselves (at least in my experience) act out and exhibit the same behaviors that they find unacceptable in their students! They expect their students to shut up and be on time and do whatever they are told (no matter how ridiculous) but they don't shut up or show up to work or keep up with their responsibilities. It can be highly discouraging.

The fact that a couple of people still have a job at my school at all really makes me question those in charge. Seriously. If you really give a damn about children, then how the fucking fuck could possibly keep these people on the payroll in good conscience? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND, DEAF, AND CRAZY?!

I mean. I know I'm not the best teacher ever but I know my content, I don't treat my students like dirt, I work my butt off to teach and hold them accountable, and I love my kids even when they're dickheads. I can't even claim half that for some of my colleagues. That concerns ME who is merely the math teacher. Someone explain to me why that doesn't seem to concern some administrators or parents?

Let me detour a moment. I only just recently was able to internally process this incident enough to even share it with my boyfriend, let alone the interwebs. A couple months ago, while I was discussing a student with the counselor, the social worker approached me to give me a "heads up" about yelling at the kids. That a visitor had overheard me and expressed concern and that usually the social worker would have to report it as abuse but she wanted to warn me first.

I was floored. Too shocked to even process exactly what was going on. I politely agreed that I also was concerned about how much yelling was going on and that I was working to cut down on that before she'd even mentioned it. The idea that I would ever be abusive to my kids was gut-wrenching. But when students are being abusive to each other and ignoring me, especially with the things that were going on early in the year, if I was yelling it was with the kids' individual and personal safety in mind. Sucks, but I'd rather yell to restore order in a chaotic and potentially dangerous situation than stand by and watch kids hit and chuck stuff across the room at each other with no recourse (can't send 'em out - they'll just go start a fight).

Since this time, however, the things that I have observed have made me wonder why the hell something isn't being done about some other adult actions that are most certainly abusive. It's so bad some days that some teachers have threatened to quit rather than put up with the bullshit. After so long of taking the social worker's comment very personally and hard, I've started to wonder why the social worker hasn't reported these other adults for things which are most certainly abusive and illegal. Either someone is not paying attention, or it's just getting overlooked because...because WHY? Excuse me for even thinking the thought, but did the white chick get singled out because she's white? Oh wait - heaven forbid I insinuate that a black person might somehow do something racist. Racism is something that only white people suffer from (at least that what some of my students have expressed to me!).

Since my last post, I've been preparing the laundry list of serious concerns I have to bring to the boss. I can't in good conscience let this crap continue. It's fucking up my kids and god knows that their lives are fucked up enough without getting it at school too.

Still, it is tempting to look over at greener pastures (or I suppose greener school systems) and consider what it might be like to work at a school where there is less talk, less crazy shit, and more working about setting their students on the right track to a better existence. But then...who's going to look after my babies?