do you really know who is teaching your children? really?

I guess now is just as good a time as any to make an update. It was a calm, mostly uneventful day considering that we have the next week off so I'm in a calm and (gasp!) rested mood this evening. I gave the kids a math and a science test today that kept them busy and silent all day except for the "enrichment" period at the end of the day. Once my kids finished their tests, I pulled out the scissors and paper and had them start making snowflakes to decorate the room. It was eerily pleasant. I really have to cherish the brief periods when I can just enjoy my students.

The other 6th grade teacher has been out for three days at a conference and it's really been kind of a relief for me and the kids. My 2nd period students are calmer and less agitated when they switch class. Of course, two of my most agitating students have been suspended as well and it makes an enormous difference in the mental health of that class. I'm just relieved when these students are gone. I have done as much as was in my power to do and it didn't help the situation. I gave these two particular students as many chances as possible and tried just about everything I could to motivate them and alter their behavior. For nothing, no payout. They fail and they fuck with the other kids and they try to play me and they act like little dipshits with no respect for other people.

There really is no saving them all. Maybe someone's got the energy for these kids - I hope something changes for them. But I've got 38 other kids who are losing out because of two who threaten and bully. And I'm by no means an expert or vet at this. Maybe one day I'll be better at dealing with this crap, but until then I gotta do what I can do. And it will be without these boys.

That said, I have a couple other tough jobs as far as academics. With the struggles that my students have with our latest topic - the dreaded fraction! - I can't shake the feeling that so many students are failing for one of two reasons (perhaps two of two). First question: has anyone been holding these kids accountable for anything? Have the students been getting away with pretending to learn things with other teachers? Second concern: Or previous teachers have just not actually properly covered this material before. The ground work for fractions was supposed to have been established started a couple of grades back. But I am not confident that they ever received it.

The more I know of other teachers and education professionals in this city, the more convinced I become that these people are not fully equipped to be teaching some of the things that that they are hired to teach. We can't find paraprofessionals that can handle the 6th grade curriculum (I've had two paras tell me that they learned x, y, or z math skill during a lesson in my class - so how can I expect them to know enough to help the kids?!). And the teachers themselves (at least in my experience) act out and exhibit the same behaviors that they find unacceptable in their students! They expect their students to shut up and be on time and do whatever they are told (no matter how ridiculous) but they don't shut up or show up to work or keep up with their responsibilities. It can be highly discouraging.

The fact that a couple of people still have a job at my school at all really makes me question those in charge. Seriously. If you really give a damn about children, then how the fucking fuck could possibly keep these people on the payroll in good conscience? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND, DEAF, AND CRAZY?!

I mean. I know I'm not the best teacher ever but I know my content, I don't treat my students like dirt, I work my butt off to teach and hold them accountable, and I love my kids even when they're dickheads. I can't even claim half that for some of my colleagues. That concerns ME who is merely the math teacher. Someone explain to me why that doesn't seem to concern some administrators or parents?

Let me detour a moment. I only just recently was able to internally process this incident enough to even share it with my boyfriend, let alone the interwebs. A couple months ago, while I was discussing a student with the counselor, the social worker approached me to give me a "heads up" about yelling at the kids. That a visitor had overheard me and expressed concern and that usually the social worker would have to report it as abuse but she wanted to warn me first.

I was floored. Too shocked to even process exactly what was going on. I politely agreed that I also was concerned about how much yelling was going on and that I was working to cut down on that before she'd even mentioned it. The idea that I would ever be abusive to my kids was gut-wrenching. But when students are being abusive to each other and ignoring me, especially with the things that were going on early in the year, if I was yelling it was with the kids' individual and personal safety in mind. Sucks, but I'd rather yell to restore order in a chaotic and potentially dangerous situation than stand by and watch kids hit and chuck stuff across the room at each other with no recourse (can't send 'em out - they'll just go start a fight).

Since this time, however, the things that I have observed have made me wonder why the hell something isn't being done about some other adult actions that are most certainly abusive. It's so bad some days that some teachers have threatened to quit rather than put up with the bullshit. After so long of taking the social worker's comment very personally and hard, I've started to wonder why the social worker hasn't reported these other adults for things which are most certainly abusive and illegal. Either someone is not paying attention, or it's just getting overlooked because...because WHY? Excuse me for even thinking the thought, but did the white chick get singled out because she's white? Oh wait - heaven forbid I insinuate that a black person might somehow do something racist. Racism is something that only white people suffer from (at least that what some of my students have expressed to me!).

Since my last post, I've been preparing the laundry list of serious concerns I have to bring to the boss. I can't in good conscience let this crap continue. It's fucking up my kids and god knows that their lives are fucked up enough without getting it at school too.

Still, it is tempting to look over at greener pastures (or I suppose greener school systems) and consider what it might be like to work at a school where there is less talk, less crazy shit, and more working about setting their students on the right track to a better existence. But then...who's going to look after my babies?

"those kids are our kids"

I am not a political person in any strong sense of the word. Most of the time, I refrain from discussing my vote or political opinions with even my closest friends. But Obama's speech is something else. Because it is not a speech that leaves me trying to figure out what he really meant, what his agenda really is, what he is covering up for. This is what I have been waiting for a political candidate to say for quite possibly my entire voting life: the truth.

It is a speech that I hope that one day, if not today, my children will understand. It is for them and about them. It's about you, too. And, because I'm hardly objective and this is a teaching blog, it's for the teachers. All the teachers: the biased, the idealistic, the strung-out, the black, the white, private, public, suburban, urban, rural, as well as those who have failed our kids and those who struggle against failure. All of them.

And I'm sap enough to admit that it made me cry. (I'm pretty sure I lost it at "those kids are our kids.") Because it is an honest look at the complexity of people and race and everything, for once - finally, without the side-stepping and posturing. It should be watched in it's entirety. Otherwise you miss the big picture and this, after all, is about the big picture.

ain't nuthin' but skin

My whiteness was a theme today. In one class, one kid started to say something about me being white and thought better of it quickly. A few other kids jumped on them, but I could tell the offender didn't mean to be offensive. I just held out my pasty white arms and said, "No - it's the truth. Can't change it. I don't have control over it and don't see how it makes a difference. It doesn't make a difference to me that you are black, so I hope it doesn't make a difference to any of you what color I am. It's genetic. Moving on."

Later, with another class, I was half exasperated and just half loopy. I talk and teach with my hands a lot. I wave my hands around, accidentally send dry-erase markers flying across the room, and generally dance around in front of the white board like a lunatic. So finally I just stood up in front of the class and I said that I don't know what the deal is that other teachers walk into the room and they get immediate respect, immediate response. Am I invisible? This is my classroom and you all are my students and I love you and stand up for you and I fight every day for you and I haven't quite figured out what I did to earn your disrespect. I know I may seem like this crazy white woman who stands up here everyday screaming 'math! math! math!' (insert crazy arm waving here) but I wouldn't do it everyday if it weren't important. (The polite, if frantic, way of saying, "I come to work everyday for your benefit, you little monsters, what the fuck is your problem?")

And then one of my girls said one of the best (if most perplexing things) that I have ever heard on the subject. She says, "Ms. Em, we don't think of you as white!"

They're stupidly brilliant, these kids sometimes.

'cause she white

When you let your kids tell you what they think, they will tell you. And it may not make any difference at all. Blah.

Straight from the Queen Bee's mouth: I'm white and I'm "too nice" (but when I'm mean like they say I should be, there is no difference...which brings us back to "'cause she white").

Oh, how I hate Valentine's Day. It is yet another reason for my kids to eat entirely too much candy and be little bastards on sugar-highs. Love ain't got nuthin' to do with it. Never liked it much before, and now I have a whole new perspective of hate for candy-filled, ego-driven non-holidays.

Thanks, that is all.

report cards

Today was report card conferences. Two parents from my homeroom class came to collect their child's report card. One of those volunteers/works at school. Other parents from other homerooms came in but most didn't stop to talk. Just took their kid's failed test and left. I want to cry just looking at the math grades in comparison to most students' other grades. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong to give out all those Fs.

Today I feel like shit. Just personally, I felt like shit about today. The kids were little bastards all day. And the parents, by their absence, proved to me why this is the case.

Also, kids call each other 'white' as an insult. In front of me. This really, really fucking upsets me.

D is back in my class from his suspension - the effect was immediate and immediately bad. I waver from hour to hour. For one moment I know that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, for the next I think I've made the biggest mistake ever. This teaching stuff, it's an emotional backflip for me. Cool and collected and stern and unfazed and as motherly/teacherly as I know how to be on the outside. Just shattered and frustrated on the inside. Simultaneously energized and exhausted.

Education, you will make a wreck of me yet.

racism goes all sorts of ways

Everyday is a battle. A battle for control, a battle for their brains, a battle for respect.

It is hard for me, on days like today has been, to remember that my kids don't know any better. But the racism is there. And there's very little that I can say or do about it. Today the english teacher had a substitute for her first class who was a white woman. The students couldn't talk about anything else except that the sub was a white lady and it just broke my heart. I can't tell whether it was a good thing or a bad thing that they could just blurt it out in front of me. But the other day one of my students called me a 'stupid white bitch' and once is all it takes to make the point. Many of my kids have no respect for people who aren't black. But they'll be the first ones to call me a racist.

I won't even talk about the homophobia. I'm too tired to even try and describe the insanity that is my classroom this week. I just don't know what to do.

Some days, I just don't want to fight anymore.

why there is no quitting

My kids. How can I really properly describe my kids? They're terrors, many of them. But they're kids. Desperate for attention or a break from their home life or just someone to let them know who's boss or some combination of the three. In groups they are wild things straining against the gates that lock them in during the day and out during the night. Alone, they are little people at a fork in the road who aren't paying much attention to which way they go. Most of them don't even know what's good for them or that they way they are living is not the be all and end all of existence. Most of them don't even know the kind of things that are out there in the world beyond New Orleans, beyond their street corners, beyond their school or their homes. That's my job. I'm just now starting to get a taste of just how big that job can get.

This girl - I'll call her BlackBird. Today I got my first tiny look into the world of one of my kids outside of school. She's an angry kid. Attitude with me and with most of the kids in school. She nearly got into a fight today with another girl. But if I had her home life I'd be a fucked up angry kid too. She needs serious help. The seriously frustrating part, however, is just how cruel the other kids can be when they don't know why someone is the way they are and no one can let them in on the secret but the person they are taunting and aiming to destroy.

And the racism. I had one of my boys, pissed at me because I'd called him out, mutter something angrily at me that ended with 'racist'. It's not a word I throw around lightly and in the environment I work in it is worse, in my mind, than if he'd just thrown a bunch of curse words at me. I told him that if he was going to start using words like that he'd better be prepared to say it to my face. I was seriously unamused. But then the more I've started to listen to them, the more I realize that they throw race at each other. Mixed kids get it thrown in their faces and it kills me a little every time. I couldn't tell you one from the other, honestly. As far as I've seen there is one white child in the whole school. I can only imagine what she must deal with. But this is what they've been raised with - that it's okay to hate people just because one of their parents isn't black. That's a hard sort of thing to unlearn. Several of the older boys completely ignore me, because I'm a woman or because I'm white or some combination of both. They wanna take out their anger on me, that's fine. I can deal with that. But to see them take it out on each other breaks my heart.

These kids have so much more potential than they realize and they are content to waste it. Right now, that's the biggest reason for me to not give up.