Thursday, February 05, 2009

critical mass

Yesterday was low. The past week or so at school was the lowest of the low. Even if it was only low for me. I went in to work with quitting on my mind but no way out and I left feeling like even more dirt because I'd let everybody down, mostly my kids.

So what does critical mass mean? What happens now that everything's finally gone boom? Do I still want to quit? Do I give up teaching? Do I reevaluate everything that I spent the last two years working for and throw it all out?

Um. I don't know.

But I do know that I'm not continuing on at this school under the current circumstances next year. Tried to catch the principal today and lay it all out but no dice. Up early in the AM tomorrow to have the talk. I love what I do, though it can be stressful. Occasionally, I'm even good at it though I spend most of the time screwing up. The very thought of letting down my kids breaks my heart above anything else, even though they wear me down. But I can't keep up this roll as things are. I won't stay if I continue to be partnered with another teacher who doesn't give a rat's ass about kids or teaching and has been putting up a fucking good face at everyone else's expense. I also won't stay if I have to continue to teach science - I am not qualified to teach it and the kids can see right through me so there's no point in pretending. If I am going to put in the time, energy, and money to go back to school AGAIN and try this certification thing all over then I'm gonna need some support financially and otherwise. The way the middle school is structured right now completely marginalizes the 6th grade and it's not doing the students any favors. The way the special education situation is working is marginalizing our kids with special needs and that's not doing ANYONE any favors.

Maybe I'm not in any position to make demands or lay out ultimatums. But if what my boss tells me about my teaching is more than just pandering blahblahblah, then he'll at least think twice before he sets me loose.

And if I go to another school/certification/career...? Well, that's life - right?

1 comment:

Amy said...

I'm thinking of you and sending you warm thoughts. Chin up!