if you're looking to take up my job

It is occurring to me more and more that it isn't about what needs to change in the school, in the kids, in the parents, in the teachers. It's about me not being cut out for this - at least, not being even close to ready or prepared.

And I keep going over and over and over and nothing changes. Because my way doesn't work either. And I wasn't particularly great at this to begin with and I've only improved marginally. So please keep the following things in mind, future wanna-be teachers of the universe (and especially New Orleans):

• you are not their teacher, you are their mother/father/best friend/worst enemy
• take nothing for granted
• you can't assume they know anything
• you can't take anything personally
• as soon as you find yourself thinking adults vs. kids...you've failed
• you have to be good at manipulation - they'll never give you control
• if you've got control over them then there are only a few possibilities (choose one): they have been fooled into thinking that they are in control and you are a superhero teacher, they are not learning shit but just sitting through your class and hoping it ends soon and that being quiet will get them a good grade, OR your students have been brainwashed by aliens
• one word: management.
• and finally, your students don't have to get you but you have to get your kids - if you don't, you might as well write FAIL on everyone's forehead

And me, I don't get it. I don't get it so hard that I've been banging my head against the same fucking wall for going on two years. So what really needs to happen is that the person cut out to teach these kids needs to make twice as much money as I do and I will blog about them. Because I've wasted everyone's time here pretending that I had the chops for this and, just like every other bright-eyed young twit wooed into teaching by "alternative certification programs," I thought I could change the fucking world and save everyone.

And I can't. I just can't.

correction

A full 2/5 of my students failed in the final accounting. Further accounting of the 4th quarter breakdown to follow.

in the final account

Today was the last day of school for the kids. I thought I would feel better, lighter. But no. Today was embattled. I knew I would win but winning felt like crap. Because nearly a quarter of the class failed and it was my F that failed them. I know my boss has my back and I know that the F's were right (and also that there should have been a couple more). But I know the kids don't feel that way and there will be parents who don't feel that way. I had one other person at the school point out the discrepency (F in math next to C's and B's in other subjects) and comment that it does not "look right." I agree. There is something wrong with that. There is something wrong when my kids can't read their damn report card but the only class they failed was my math class. Can't shake the feeling that the comment was directed at me, though. Despite all that, I can't in good conscience say that the kids who failed deserve a better grade. So I stuck to it, in tears in the office agonizing over how to help these kids with no way to go. Frustrated and fighting. Because it's too late now. It's done.

There are few things more heartbreaking than watching my children fail.

I need a drink.