Tuesday, May 13, 2008

in the final account

Today was the last day of school for the kids. I thought I would feel better, lighter. But no. Today was embattled. I knew I would win but winning felt like crap. Because nearly a quarter of the class failed and it was my F that failed them. I know my boss has my back and I know that the F's were right (and also that there should have been a couple more). But I know the kids don't feel that way and there will be parents who don't feel that way. I had one other person at the school point out the discrepency (F in math next to C's and B's in other subjects) and comment that it does not "look right." I agree. There is something wrong with that. There is something wrong when my kids can't read their damn report card but the only class they failed was my math class. Can't shake the feeling that the comment was directed at me, though. Despite all that, I can't in good conscience say that the kids who failed deserve a better grade. So I stuck to it, in tears in the office agonizing over how to help these kids with no way to go. Frustrated and fighting. Because it's too late now. It's done.

There are few things more heartbreaking than watching my children fail.

I need a drink.


E.J. said...

I hope you had that drink and that you made it a double. I would venture to say that the main reason you feel so bad about them failing is because you genuinely care for the children. You did the right thing. Screw what the other teachers think. In fact, I say that from now on tell them what you think: that it indeed is strange that a kid who can't read got a B in Reading.

Today go have yourself a celebratory drink. You survived a school year!

Leigh C. said...

I second E.J.'s assessment. You deserve that drink! Be well and get in all the you time you can possibly stand - 'cause you've earned it.

swampwoman said...

Hope you are well on your way to decompression - give your mind and psyche a break for a few weeks, then tackle it anew - teaching is very, very hard, yet very rewarding

Please don't beat yourself up over the ones that didn't pass, but revel in the ones that were successful and whose lives you touched in a positive light