Tuesday, December 09, 2008

it's not the kids

Today, one bully of a girl started a fight with one of my new students.

I left the room, restraining one, and totally lost my cool. I took a walk. I sat in the bed of my truck. I cried out of complete frustration. I tried to go back inside. I left before I could cry again. I hung out on the corner with Mr. D. We went inside. I couldn't bring myself to go to my classroom. I lost it in the principal's office. Talking to him didn't make anything better.

But he did let me leave at 2:00.

It's 5:00 now.

I'm still a fucking mess. With every thought of going back tomorrow, I have to fight back a repeat of the anxiety attack I had in my boss' office.

Today was the very first time that I ever really, truly dreaded returning to my job so much that I couldn't physically bring myself to go to class. Today was the very first time I seriously wondered whether I should just fucking quit.

2 comments:

Leigh C. said...

((((((hugs))))))

I'm so sorry. I wish I could do something to make all of that go away. It is teaching in a trauma zone, unfortunately, and I am so, so glad for your supportive principal.

Just be well and don't take this out on yourself.

Maitri said...

If this happens three times within a short time period, quit. Those kids need you, but you need you first.

*HUG* and a ton of appreciation for what you do.