Saturday, January 03, 2009

insomnia purge

I feel almost sick at the prospect of going back to work on Monday. Can't sleep due to anxious mental back-and-forth over what to do, how to cope, finding the time, the energy. Forget sick, just frustrated to tears at not being able to just sleep and stop thinking negatively.

I thought that this break would clear my head out. Make things calmer. But the anxiety is coming back.

I don't think that I can do this for another year. It's becoming a soul-eater. The joy's gone out of it and there was so little of that to hold on to in the first place. It was supposed to get better. And for a little while I thought it might be, but now I'm really doubting it. I don't like this much stress in my life. I don't care how good the vacation package is - I don't feel like I own my own life. I don't have time to enjoy anything with school looming in the backwoods of my brain at all times. The pressure is stupid.

I'm tired of fighting every day. When did education become a fucking fight, a war?

Two weeks off work and I'm exhausted just thinking of going back.

I think I have to quit in the spring. For my fucking sanity.

1 comment:

Leigh C. said...


You do what you gotta do. It isn't worth it if this job is eating your soul like this. You have to find an alternative now. There is NO shame in admitting that this is beyond you. Until teaching K-12 ANYplace is considered a true profession and is treated accordingly, this kind of thing will keep happening. You gave it your best. Remember that. NO one can take that away from you, ever.