critical mass

Yesterday was low. The past week or so at school was the lowest of the low. Even if it was only low for me. I went in to work with quitting on my mind but no way out and I left feeling like even more dirt because I'd let everybody down, mostly my kids.

So what does critical mass mean? What happens now that everything's finally gone boom? Do I still want to quit? Do I give up teaching? Do I reevaluate everything that I spent the last two years working for and throw it all out?

Um. I don't know.

But I do know that I'm not continuing on at this school under the current circumstances next year. Tried to catch the principal today and lay it all out but no dice. Up early in the AM tomorrow to have the talk. I love what I do, though it can be stressful. Occasionally, I'm even good at it though I spend most of the time screwing up. The very thought of letting down my kids breaks my heart above anything else, even though they wear me down. But I can't keep up this roll as things are. I won't stay if I continue to be partnered with another teacher who doesn't give a rat's ass about kids or teaching and has been putting up a fucking good face at everyone else's expense. I also won't stay if I have to continue to teach science - I am not qualified to teach it and the kids can see right through me so there's no point in pretending. If I am going to put in the time, energy, and money to go back to school AGAIN and try this certification thing all over then I'm gonna need some support financially and otherwise. The way the middle school is structured right now completely marginalizes the 6th grade and it's not doing the students any favors. The way the special education situation is working is marginalizing our kids with special needs and that's not doing ANYONE any favors.

Maybe I'm not in any position to make demands or lay out ultimatums. But if what my boss tells me about my teaching is more than just pandering blahblahblah, then he'll at least think twice before he sets me loose.

And if I go to another school/certification/career...? Well, that's life - right?

pumpkin time

1st math test of the year (Data Analysis & Statistics): finished writing.
1st science quiz of the year (What is Physical Science?): needs to be corrected.
Lots of miscellaneous papers in my school bag: have been put off yet again.
Unit Plan for the next 3 weeks: so not even started yet.
The idea of crawling into bed at 4 o'clock tomorrow afternoon and staying there: YAY FRIDAY!

My greatest pleasure in life now: going to bed early.

on the job again

Today was the teachers' first day officially back on the job at ye olde John McDonogh #32 Literacy Charter School (one of oh-so-many exciting changes that have been going on while I've been in my summer hibernation). There was so much at the morning introduction that I had to take notes. Now that I look at my notes there is so much that it seems best to list the highlights:

- we have three (count 'em - 3) assistant principals
- a reading specialist!
- a Spanish teacher
- a full time middle school art teacher (who lives across the hall from me and I already like her a lot)
- 2 extra social workers
- parents will be required (to the best of the school's ability) to volunteer 1 hour per week
- community service and service learning focus in learning
- 90 minute planning periods!! (though only three days per week)
- TAP (Teacher Advancement Program) in full swing means performance-based pay
- lots of toys and new technology

As for the state of my affairs, this year will be a year of big changes and big challenges. It never seems to end. I suppose that's the way education should be - how exhausting. And awesome. As I mentioned before, I will be teaching 6th grade math once again with the added challenge of teaching 6th grade science (chemistry and physics - my two least favorite sciences). Because I am the science teacher I was given a Promethean board in my classroom, which is quite possibly the most exciting toy-tool that any teacher could ever have.



It makes planning lessons seem so much more exciting, quizzes less of a pain in the ass, and technology in the classroom that is a thousand times more useful to me and my kids than a couple of computers that only get used for MySpace and other illicit non-educational purposes. I am probably speaking technology teaching sacrilege to say so, but I hate having PCs in the classroom and I am happy to have them removed. That being said, our school has laptop carts now (a laptop for every student in the class with a wireless connection - sweet!) which I certainly plan to put to use.

The daily schedule looks slightly more sane on paper, but we shall see. We continue to work on a block schedule (90 minute periods) and I'll have three classes. The upcoming class is supposed to be fairly small so I believe I will have an average of 10 kids per class period which, when you think about it, is absolutely unheard of in a public school like ours! These estimates, however, will probably end up being closer to 15 per class which is still more than educationally reasonable. No word on the numbers of kids with exceptionalities yet, but I hope to get access to files and names by mid-week.

Still debating how to juggle my two subjects. Last year, for the brief and completely overwhelming period that I had both subjects to teach, I had two classes on three hour blocks and tried to split the class time with absolutely no success. I think my best bet is to teach math MWF and science on TTh. This strikes me as the sane way to go about things. Yes? I wish I knew more experienced teachers out there on the vast interwebs who might give a little input on such things. But this is, alas, a blog mostly for my own cathartic benefit with a tiny readership. And I am a terrible networker.

The process of putting up bulletin boards and attempting to arrange my classroom today lead to more chaos than progress. But I'm excited. Things are new and strange and seem to be moving even faster - yet the school appears more prepared in general than last year. Better prepared. Better equipped. I can't find the actual listing at the moment but at the beginning of last year #32 was at the very bottom of the barrel in New Orleans according to the state tests. After just one year, it is now in the top 30% of New Orleans schools. Which is just huge. Granted, that isn't even remotely good enough when you consider the state of New Orleans test scores. Still, there is momentum.

Gotta keep running.

in the final account

Today was the last day of school for the kids. I thought I would feel better, lighter. But no. Today was embattled. I knew I would win but winning felt like crap. Because nearly a quarter of the class failed and it was my F that failed them. I know my boss has my back and I know that the F's were right (and also that there should have been a couple more). But I know the kids don't feel that way and there will be parents who don't feel that way. I had one other person at the school point out the discrepency (F in math next to C's and B's in other subjects) and comment that it does not "look right." I agree. There is something wrong with that. There is something wrong when my kids can't read their damn report card but the only class they failed was my math class. Can't shake the feeling that the comment was directed at me, though. Despite all that, I can't in good conscience say that the kids who failed deserve a better grade. So I stuck to it, in tears in the office agonizing over how to help these kids with no way to go. Frustrated and fighting. Because it's too late now. It's done.

There are few things more heartbreaking than watching my children fail.

I need a drink.

there is a lot that's left to say

Went to see Hurricane on the Bayou at the IMAX with the kids today.

Just about all of us cried.

I guess I've been pretty (relatively) zen about the kids and their craziness this week. And, I've said it before, but despite the lunacy displayed daily, I do love my childrens. They've really mellowed out considerably from the beginning of the year (although, if you saw them you might not believe me). At least, in my classroom they have mellowed out. I cannot and will not speak for other classrooms. I'll get my ass in trouble or say something untrue and that's not what this is about.

True, there are a couple of them that I can live without. But mostly I love them. They make me laugh. They are beginning to surprise me in good ways. Students who fought me in the beginning, now I think I've earned a little respect. It was hard earned, tooth and nail. And there is still a long way to go, but I am proud of them for what progress we have made. What progress they have made. It can't all be quantified, unfortunately, in the iLeap exam that my children will take in a little more than a week. And that is what is breaking my heart right now.

The kids are starting to ask me if I will be back next year (of course!) and a few even asked me if I would be teaching 7th grade math because they thought I should. I don't know the answer to that question, but I do know that it means that at least for a couple kids I have accomplished one of the things I set out to do when I pursued teaching math in the first place: to not be the sucky math teacher that I had in middle school.

Score.

i have to be enigmatic today

This week was generally awful.

Again, I face the old dilemma of how much to tell about my precise school. I've already narrowed it down to a handful of possible schools as it is. Those in the know have probably already figured it out. And while I want to share the cool things and promote my school, I think it is also an important part of this blog to share the bad. Unfortunately, I don't think I can truly do that. Not without putting myself and my school in a very compromised position. In the interest of watching my own butt, there are some really fun things that I can't blog about as well and that's kind of sucky.

I guess I have to do like the principal always says and stay focused on the kids. It's about them. And days like yesterday and today, I wish I could share with everyone but especially my students that I am on their side. I wish that I could voice that to them and support them in a situation where I am helpless to do anything. I have to be an adult and show solidarity with the adults.

But let's face it, folks - sometimes the kids know what they are talking about. And someone needs to start listening to them.

trickle down

Today was this weird mix of good and ambivalent and stressful that has put me in a strange mood. Tired, emotionally drained, frustrated - the usual mess - but also calm, weirdly content, and resolved.

I was out yesterday on a sick day which was good for me even though it messed with the momentum of my week. This morning there was an outpouring of relief and appreciation from my students that I hadn't anticipated. I remember when I was in middle school, it was always good when my teacher was gone and we had a substitute. We hated our math teacher. He wasn't mean or overly harsh or unfair or any of that. We just loathed him for the sake of loathing. (Sorry, Mr. Gutfeld, but you were a tool.) Also, I was bored out of my mind and nearly failed 7th grade math because I thought the whole thing was just stupid. I knew it all but couldn't test into the advanced class. Stupid. Maybe there was a case of 90s grunge apathetic angst about the whole deal but I digress. The point was, my students couldn't stop talking about how they were glad to have me back instead of the sub (they all walk all over him and, well, he's not very good with kids yet - very authoritarian but has no authority). And of course, that meant that they couldn't stop talking, but it wasn't malicious just kid stuff, exacerbated by the fact that I got pulled from class after 45 minutes for a tech training and my homeroom all protested loudly about it.

It was a strange show of affection, but no less appreciated. My other classes were messed up for the day but ran smoothly nonetheless and it made me feel better about my whole situation.

Had a conversation with the middle school special ed coordinator regarding the kids in special ed and specifically about D. D, the root of many headaches, but also the one who needs saved the most. We are not sure if he will be coming back to school. He is abused, neglected, and unwanted. He can hardly read but a few sight words and his math is marginally better as long as he has someone to read the problems. All his academic deficiencies have been overshadowed by his behavior problems. He is out right now because his mother won't take him to get his shots so we can't let him back to school - though we fudged that rule for most of the school year because of his situation. The problem is that his mother won't take him to get his shots so that he can stay in school but she won't let him stay home during the day so he roams the neighborhood on his bike and fends for himself. What the fucking hell is wrong with this woman? The school is running out of options. He's already been in foster care and his mother is uncooperative. It's no wonder he has a serious problem with female authority figures when his mother beats him. What can we do? I'm just afraid that this kid is way too close to being permanently broken and all I can do is watch it happen.

Another of my students got suspended today and I'm really kind of depressed about it because I don't want him to lose out so close to the end of the quarter and I think that he can pass this quarter. I don't want to see him singled out excessively so that it hurts him, which is what it seems is happening and I can't do anything about that either. Going to try to get him his work through his sister for the week that he will be out so that he can prepare for the exam and get the credit he needs. I really hate that progress the kids may be showing in my class behavior-wise seems to get no credit outside my class and I don't know how to fix that. I know that part of the problem is that this kid has a personality clash with one of the other teachers and he fights back fast. I have noticed, for the most part, that over time my students have calmed as I've calmed down. They may not talk any less but things are less dramatic most of the time. Trying to save the yelling for the most harmful behaviors has worked even though it has taken a while to see small results. I had expectations set too high too fast, especially considering my inexperience. But my inexperience is what makes it difficult for me to make suggestions to a more experienced teacher about how they deal with their own classroom discipline. I don't like people butting into my classroom, so I can hardly go butting into theirs.

I am trying to at least point the kids in the direction of empathy, though I may never see the benefits of anything I try to teach in that capacity.

All this said and rambled, brings me to my evening at UNO and my talk with my cohort leader about the state of my own academics. I nearly had an anxiety attack just thinking about the whole mess but it will probably be fine in the end. I've got some extra time to make up the disaster which is not as much of a disaster as I had suspected. But she told me that she thought I had a good rapport with my kids, which I have rarely felt. Reminded me that kids don't show it well, but after all that happened today I can see some of the little things. It may not get them to learn how to factor, but that is probably not the most important life skill they will ever need. Maybe I am just the stepping stone and I might not see the payoff. And you know kids, they'll take everything you've got and more and never realize until much, much later (if ever) the ways we try to point them in the right direction. The ways we try to shape them into something good without smothering what's there already. I try not to let my first-year mistakes get in their way or stick.

It's too much to say, I've realized, that I want them to have everything. I don't care whether they grow up and go to Harvard and blame all their success in life on my 6th grade math class. I just want to know that they are going to be okay, have a decent life, and pass on the favor to their kids. For some of them, this is a lot to hope for but I hope for it anyway.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that today, yes, I have been crying. But it is only because I really do love the little fuckers.

i can haz vacation now?

I am just plain tired and that is affecting my teaching. I just need a breather from the kids, the stress, the madness of everyday. This past week at school was the longest ever and I am severely behind in my work on all fronts. This weekend I am trying to catch up but it is slow going just because my brain doesn't work as fast as it needs too and I have to fit in some social time to prevent myself from becoming a horrible hermit crab who hates the world and yells at her kids too much.

Spent the morning oversleeping through derby practice, going to Pho Tau Bay fro breakfast, going to Target with Henry and my derby wife, Diamond, and having bubble tea at Frosty's. It was good for my sanity but not for my deadlines. So I am sitting on the front porch on this most beautiful fall day, making files for my kids and trying to plan out the most important things I must accomplish today before and after a baby shower for a good friend. I have to write a math test that should have been finish days ago, do several assignments for TGNO, do laundry, write some lesson plans, and finish grading papers. That list looks short, but the actual To Do List is about 25 items long. Prioritizing is far too difficult.

Halloween turned my children into sugar-rushed monsters on Wednesday and Thursday. The fact that they turned the AC back on my building, therefore making my classroom absolutely miserably arctic, didn't help matters. I think a couple of my students are going to be expelled soon and that is both a relief but also it makes my heart ache. I am not a fan of some of the tactics of one of our disciplinarians. I don't have a better solution, but I don't think that telling students that you are going to to everything in your power to kick them out is going to accomplish much. It just reinforces the idea that they can't be saved and for some of them, it is far too early in their lives to write them off. Some of my students are being labeled and picked on and it makes me very uncomfortable because they are not even being given a chance to change. Change takes time, especially with behavior. Making them the enemy doesn't make change happen, it just turns them against you. This is something I've been struggling with the last few weeks but don't really know how to address the issue. I am far from perfect but I see that something is wrong.

A vague description, I know. But there's only so much I can say and still protect myself, my students, and my school.

Next week there will be a positive behavior field trip to the skating rink. I am very excited about getting out of the classroom and playing with my kids. Also, I like any excuse to put on roller skates. But I do wish that I had more wiggle room to be more strict about what 'good' behavior is. Some students are sliding by because we can't exclude too many. I think our expectations need to be higher so that the rewards are more meaningful. But that's just me. As the master teacher told me the other morning, if they don't know how to act in a classroom how can we expect them to behave outside the classroom?

My students did prove to me on Wednesday that they know how to behave. The master teacher came in to teach my second period class for a field test and they were amazing! I'd never seen them behave so well. The next day they were back to their old ways. She will be back again this Wednesday to complete the lesson and the students have been told that they are expected to behave the same way no matter who is teaching. In one ear and out the other. I KNOW they know how to behave -- I've seen it. They choose not to behave for me. We'll see whether the joint interventions of myself and the master teacher have any effect in the long term.

There is nothing more frustrating that realizing that your students have no respect for you. This is why when the administrators and the master teachers tell me that I am good at what I do, it feels like an empty compliment. What does is matter if I'm good at instruction if my students have so little respect for me that it doesn't stick?

The principal walked into my classroom on Thursday and I was having a rough day. As soon as he showed up all the students went quiet and started working diligently and the principal was very approving. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I looked straight at him and in front of the class said, "You realize, Mr. G, that they are only behaving this well because you just walked in." And then it was all I could do to walk calmly out of the room and go cry.

Mistress of My Domain

I'm tired, I'm stressed out, I'm not eating right, I'm having a hard time staying hydrated, and the kids drive me up the wall. So when I say that I love my job it might seem a little strange that I actually mean it and not in any sarcastic sort of way. I'm the master (rather, mistress) of my domain and I don't have to take any flack and I've got tons of backup. It's amazing what a huge difference a sense of autonomy can make in one's world view. If something sucks I can take steps to change it. If something doesn't work, it's probably my fault and I have the authority to fix it. My room, my rules. You don't like it? Tough. Some of these kids are going to be 14 this year and they need to grow up and start taking some responsibility for themselves and stop being a bad influence on my younger ones.

I like being the mean teacher. My rep is spreading around the neighborhood outside of school from kids I don't even know. Apparently one of the 7th graders reported the fight to the guy who runs the corner store. Apparently (even though I have no idea who she is) I'm cool. Because I can take a hit from an eleven-year-old? Don't really know what it is, but I hope that any good reputation I have with the older kids starts to rub off on mine soon.

Some good news on the school front: I will soon be teaching math exclusively! Not sure when this will be implemented as I've only heard it through other teachers but eventually I will be the sole 6th grade math teacher and I will have the same kids but in three smaller classes. Which means getting to change some kids around so that they don't try and drive each other crazy too much and we can handle them better. It's going to make my life that much easier.

More Firsts

Today was rough too, but no tears. I felt like I had some back-up today, knowing that my class is not the only wild one and that all the other middle school teachers are having issues with their kids and the rules. It felt less like me=bad cop, everybody else=good cop. I just have to keep reminding myself to stay calm and keep going. I'm still trying to find my footing and I know that that is losing me some ground with the kids so I've got to find it fast. I am realizing more now that a lot of my training this summer was geared toward elementary or high school kids. I didn't have any professors will a whole lot of experience or advice about middle school kids and it obvious that they are a whole other animal.

So I got punched today.

A couple of my kids broke out into a fight in the hall and I was the only teacher there at first so of course I was the one to try and break it up. One of them hit me in the chest trying to get to the other one. Didn't do any damage or anything but it made for an interesting afternoon. I seem to do a lot of fight prevention and so far it's been nothing but empty threats. I have one student (one who was fighting today) who seems to have some anger issues and was making threats all day. The other in the fight tries hard but still has some behavior issues and I haven't given him a good atmosphere to work with the last couple of school days.

There's gotta be something I can do to get this situation under control and let the kids see that there is so much more that they can do, so much more to the world. So much better that they can be.

"well it takes all of my strength to be stable"

Before I say anything else, let me just say this: I love teaching. I really do love it, even after only one week. One week of hope and hell. I go to work every morning an hour early at 7:15ish and I don't leave school until after 4:00. When I go home, I work until I go to sleep. Tomorrow is Saturday and I will be working. Sunday I will be working, planning and strategizing. And Monday I go back into the fire to battle it out again. So far (and I know it's early), the work doesn't make me tired but excited for the next opportunity. I've had a lot of deja vu moments in the last couple of days and whenever that happens that is my sign that this is where I am supposed to be right now. Whenever I get a little snippet of deja vu, I am reminded that the universe showed me where I was headed and now it is reminding me that I picked the right direction. Maybe that's a little "new age, touchy-feely" but it's true.

Today sucked.

No, that's not entirely true. Like Thursday, there were moments of hope where I could see the first hints of progress that will happen with time. Moments where kids who were unsure of themselves proved that they know more than they think they know--opportunities for me to build their confidence. But like Thursday there was also chaos and power struggle. By the end of today, there were tears again. I lost my second class and I'm convinced that it is in large part due to the student I'll refer to as Miss J. I have a suspicion that this is not the first time she has been through 6th grade - not for any lack of ability but for a lack of giving a shit. She's smart as hell but she's thinks she's above school. But I know something she doesn't know: I refuse to quit and I refuse to let her wrestle away from me. She wants to rule the school? Well, we'll see about that.

I think I've pinpointed my own frustration. School policy (and I would have done it anyway) is that there is homework every day and my students are fighting me on it. Fighting me like homework means that their whole weekend is going to be consumed by school, as if one measly paragraph were complete torture. Fine - I didn't do my homework when I was in middle school either and I nearly failed 7th grade math because of it. But the argument made me realize that these kids do not (yet) appreciate just how much their teachers invest in them for such small rewards. They fight me and they fight me and they fight me and I still love every one of them and I want to work my ass off for them.

I have some really fantastic kids. One kid has been making me a truly fantastic drawing of the solar system, "to make the classroom pretty" he tells me. He's a sweet kid and he's well on his way to being an artist to reckon with. I have another kid who can barely read on what might be a a 1st or 2nd grade level. He acts up to compensate but when I separated him from the rest of the group today to work on an assignment, he did it without me prompting him any further or making any more complaints and he did it better than I expected. One thing that truly pissed me off: I was doing a 'fun' activity with a survey about multiple intelligences and because I know that this particular kid can't read and a few others have a lot of trouble I was reading each one part out loud so that they would be able to keep up with the class. Some of my other students, lead by Miss J, finished early and started talking and tossing notes and completely disrespecting me and everyone else who was on task. Can I fault her? I don't know. I can't out the poor kid who can't read, but I can't let this girl take over my classroom and waste her brains and her education either.

The catch-22 of being a teacher (or so I've been told): if you don't care about what happens to these kids then you shouldn't be teaching but if you do care it's easy to burn out fast. One thing I am fortunate to have, through all of this, is a hell of a lot of support. My principal is awesome and motivating and the other middle school teachers and even the elementary vets are incredibly supportive and helpful. I picked an awesome place to work even if my kids don't appreciate it right now. Apparently there is a big contingent of Algiers teachers that meet up on Friday nights downtown to drink and play volley ball and I joined them tonight and they were all super cool.

And like I told one of the seventh grade teacher's today, why would I need to have kids? I already have 40 of them. And if they give me shit again I'll be callin' their mamas and their maw-maws and then we'll see who's boss.

the educational tug-of-war

These first few days of school have been a learning experience, that's for sure. Trying to take the time and actually learn something from all the experience, however, that's the real challenge. I have two groups of kids and while they are all alike in many of ways, the class personalities are shaping up very differently very quickly. My homeroom kids seem to be mostly on the younger side, 11-12 (I think I even have a 10-year-old). They are antsy but most of them eager to please. My second group is a little older than the first on average and I've got more than one attitude among them.

Most of the last few days has been trying to find a balance for time management and getting my lesson plans in order. It has also been a lot of trying to maneuver for control of my classroom without being a powerless dictator. Today was a 50/50 day on the classroom management front. My homeroom group, I felt, was ready to start getting into the subject a little bit. Nothing too heavy but I needed something to keep them interested or they were going to rebel. My math crossword puzzle went over better than my other bell work activities and the science lesson was mostly a success. There were glitches, to be sure, but I felt like there was genuine learning happening today in homeroom.

The situation did not look so good for my second group of kids. Yesterday I thought we were on our way to improving the attitude but today it was on with a vengeance. One of the girls who is my biggest attitude challenge is also, I suspect, one of my smartest students but she seems determined not to give a rat's ass about school let alone the classroom rules and procedures. I have a couple artists in the class, which I love, but they are currently determined that they either can't do math or just use their hearing selectively. My science lesson with them was a complete disaster. I've cornered myself into an open power struggle with my students and I've got to find a way out fast.

There are plenty of things that I just didn't do properly right from the start, things that didn't get prepared or planned for. Part of that was the time constraints I was under, part of it just plain laziness. Now I'm paying for that but I'm patient enough not to let it get to me and just try and muddle through it. After all, it's not only my paycheck on the line.

So if anyone starts wondering why I don't go out anymore...while you're out drinking have one for me. I'll be at home, writing lesson plans and spending my paycheck on school supplies.

And we're off!

I survived the first day! Not sure what else to say about it except that my feet hurt and my throat hurts. There is a lot to process from today. But first, a celebratory drink.

It's tough. But I think I'm really going to love this job.

"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." - Dorothy Parker

I got my class rosters today as well as my schedule. The class list is full of names that I have never seen before and many that I have no clue how to pronounce. I'm horrible with names in the first place so all these unusually spelled hybrids are going to be a challenge for me. At least, I tell myself, I only have 39 names to remember at the moment and won't have more than about 45. 18 kids in one block and 21 in the other.



I am thoroughly, paralyzingly terrified. But there is also that little twinge in my gut that I got when I looked over my list this afternoon. These are my kids. And even though I know that they will probably give me hell and keep me awake at night and hate my guts and push my buttons and struggle all the way, I want them to have everything. Maybe because I don't think that I will ever be a mom this is where my maternal instincts play out--in a classroom. They're my kids and they are going to kick ass and I think they're awesome. Every last unpronounceable one of them.