two steps back?

So horribly frustrated with my kids right now. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm reliving last year. I don't know why they act this way, I don't know why I can't get them to stop taunting each other, I don't know why I can't get them to pay attention, I don't know why things seem to be getting worse instead of better and I don't know why the things I do to make it better just never seem to work. I hate that I snap at the stupidest things. I hate that I put up with the things I put up with, that I feel helpless to stop the kids from poking, teasing, throwing, yelling, etc. I hate that other people seem to get a response from my kids but I can't.

What is it about ME? What's wrong with ME?

There was this great segment on This American Life on Sunday about a program in Harlem and Baby College for low-income parents. Everyone should go listen to it. It reminded me of my kids and their parents and now it's kind of making me feel helpless and angry.

I don't know what the sudden burst of pessimism is about. Just tired, I guess. Worn down and trying not to show it, trying not to crack. Tired of being treated like I don't exist by bunch of punkass little adolescents. Tired of the show. Tired of being the one who has to put on a front in the face of all the whining and pushing and shoving and picking and picking and picking. Tired of feeling like I'm repeating some of this crap from last year.

I'm tired of my help and my support not being very helpful or supportive. I'm tired of not having the special ed teacher when I'm supposed to be working with the special ed teacher. I'm tired of having paraprofessionals that don't know my content and correcting the mistakes that they tell my children are correct, tired of paras who won't help my kids because they can't look past the behaviors, of feeling like I'm in this madhouse of a classroom trying to pull a miracle out of my ass.

Really, this is the most frustrating thing that I run into over and over and over: the adults who are supposed to help my kids academically who are hurting my kids because they don't know the content! It makes me want to scream. If you won't help with the behaviors and the accommodations that my students are supposed to receive, at least you could not confuse the shit out of my students who don't need as much help.

Fuck this shit.