Thursday, November 22, 2007

happy turkey day

So, the problem is that I have seriously messed up at UNO. I choked on the stress and have (unofficially, but most likely) failed my fall classes due to my complete inability to deal with stress and responsibility. I realized on Saturday evening that I was screwed - I'd screwed myself - and I cried about it and moved on to other things. But it is not just UNO that has me stressed. There really is a part of me that does not want to go back to school on Monda, that is questioning whether I've got the balls for this job. So here I am crying about it again.

Self-sabotage? Maybe if I fuck up at UNO they won't let me be a teacher for good and then I'll just have to find something else to do. Which is dumb.

This morning I visited the old job and talked to the old bosses and the old coworkers and i remembered what it was like to have weekends and evenings and no-stress. And for the first time I missed the 9-5 and thought that I could go back and that would be okay. I need something to remind me that that is not what I want. But just right this second, I couldn't even tell you what's wrong with me. My principal called me today, got my number from the librarian, to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. Just that kind of broke my heart, because I've been feeling so awful about school for the last couple of weeks.

I feel busted. And this vacation ain't gonna fix it.


swampwoman said...

Is this your first teaching job? Many say that it gets easier after the first year. Keep plugging along and stay strong.

As far as UNO (not sure if you are teaching at UNO or you are taking a class at UNO and teaching elsewhere), talk to your professor, maybe they will allow you to do something for extra credit, something at least to pull up your grade to a C.

What you are doing, teaching, is a noble profession, despite all the extra work - you can do this and do it well and remain sane - hang in there my dear it gets better...

Happy Thanksgiving

Allen said...

um... the part that gets me is that the principal didn't have your phone number, like, on file or something? he had to ask the librarian?

but seriously, hang with it - and know that you have lots of friends who will do anything they can to help.

thanks again for inviting me to early-thanksgiving dinner last night, it was wonderful. :)

Leigh C. said...

Oh, honey.

I second da swampwoman. Hang in there. If worse comes to worse, you can help me clean out my back shed and set up for my glass grind venture, which would be infinitely less fulfilling and make ya wanna run screaming for school. Just saying.

Have a happy and healthy holiday. Get your self some mental r'fuah shleimah.