so few ups, so many downs

Today I lost it. It was awful. Details are unimportant, just that my first class was a bust. Then my second class completely disintegrated around me into kids yelling at me and walking out of my room. I couldn't control it, I couldn't control myself anymore. I left the kids with the para in the room and went down to the office. And then I lost it. I just bawled and bawled and tried not to hyperventilate for a good twenty minutes or so.

It was just that I had most of my kids talking constantly. I had six of them demanding to go to the bathroom and one just started bitching and moaning loudly about it and I had several of them near rioting over every little thing. Then Blackbird, who is constantly thinking of excuses to go to the nurse's office, started yelling at me that I didn't care. Over and over and over again. That I didn't care about people's problems, that I didn't care.

And I just wanted to scream at her that she doesn't know what the fuck I care about. She doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. I wanted to scream at her that I work too fucking hard to be accused, of all things, that I don't care about my students. But I didn't. I sent her to the office for being disruptive and refusing to follow directions. And then another two kids walked out. And I then I couldn't stand the chaos anymore and I left.

It was most frustrating because I had this really cool activity involving sorting networks for them to do and they just yelled at me all class period and didn't even stop to try and pay attention. So it totally blew my mind that anyone would accuse me of not caring when their behavior made it apparent that they didn't care about the consequences of their actions towards me or everyone else in the class who wanted to learn. I know they are kids and don't often know how their words hurt and how deeply. So I couldn't show that to them. But god, it pissed me off so much and hurt so hard to have them stomping all over my hard work without a second thought. The good moments are so few and far between the shitty times some days. It's rough on the soul.

But tomorrow is a whole new day.

A new day where they sit silently in rows and don't do anything but study quietly with their books.