happy turkey day
So, the problem is that I have seriously messed up at UNO. I choked on the stress and have (unofficially, but most likely) failed my fall classes due to my complete inability to deal with stress and responsibility. I realized on Saturday evening that I was screwed - I'd screwed myself - and I cried about it and moved on to other things. But it is not just UNO that has me stressed. There really is a part of me that does not want to go back to school on Monda, that is questioning whether I've got the balls for this job. So here I am crying about it again.
Self-sabotage? Maybe if I fuck up at UNO they won't let me be a teacher for good and then I'll just have to find something else to do. Which is dumb.
This morning I visited the old job and talked to the old bosses and the old coworkers and i remembered what it was like to have weekends and evenings and no-stress. And for the first time I missed the 9-5 and thought that I could go back and that would be okay. I need something to remind me that that is not what I want. But just right this second, I couldn't even tell you what's wrong with me. My principal called me today, got my number from the librarian, to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. Just that kind of broke my heart, because I've been feeling so awful about school for the last couple of weeks.
I feel busted. And this vacation ain't gonna fix it.
